(Those of you who belong to the "Breaking Up" and/or "Broken Hearts" tribes may have read parts of this story in posts I've made over the last two months. This post is a telling of the entire story, plus a summary of how I got there and what I learned. I post it in the spirit of helping others avoid the pain I've suffered. I hope this will also serve as a final bit of closure for this tragic period of my life. Thanks. - Paul)
Two months ago I was dumped by a woman I was with for four years. It was a complete surprise; she never once complained about the relationship, or asked for anything different. We got along very well, we never argued, and we laughed and had fun nearly ever day. There was no way for me to know that anything was wrong – all I got was a surprise unilateral dumping.
The reason she stated for dumping me was that she wanted a man who was more “jealous” and that I was too “bohemian” for her. Huh? After four years she just suddenly noticed that I’m not jealous?
And, to top it all off, she announced that she’s been unhappy for three months and only realize it that week, and she felt “relief” to be dumping me, and she NEVER wanted to have a romantic relationship with me again, but wanted all the benefits of our friendship to continue without interruption.
She had been so warm and loving for four years. She always seemed so appreciative of me, and the time I spent with her. What made the breakup so very hard was that she was as cold as ice. She dumped me with all of the kindness, warmth and empathy of a prosecuting attorney.
None of it made sense to me. My heart was shattered. My mind was spinning trying to make some sense out of it.
Just a few hours after the breakup, I offered to return the copies of her house keys, car keys, and garage-door opener that she had given me years ago. She was completely unfazed – as if nothing had happened. In fact, she said “I didn’t ask for these back, but I’ll take them, I guess.” What, did she think I wanted to open her condo up to find her having sex with some new guy? What the hell was she thinking?
It was this “unfeeling” behavior that clued me in that something might be wrong. It was as if I dealing a different woman. As recently as a few days before the breakup she seemed happy and very much in love. Yet now she was cold, emotionless, and seemingly incapable of any kind empathy.
Now, keep in mind, this woman was no picnic to be with. She suffered from a sordid soup of psychological conditions including bipolar disorder (which she was being treated for), and I suspect sociopathy and borderline personality disorder (which went untreated). Just to give you some idea of how sick, in the four years I knew her she had taken five months leave from work due to extreme depression and committed herself to a hospital program. This girl was not normal and I knew it. It was often a struggle for me to maintain any kind of relationship with her.
I did not hear from her until five days later when I received an email from her asking if “I was okay”. This email lead to me sending her more emails – some of which were quite angry -- and finally I called her that night to express my feelings.
I asked her this question that was tearing me up inside:
Why didn’t you communicate your dissatisfaction with the relationship, and why won’t you give me an opportunity to work with you to improve it, rather than kill it off unilaterally and permanently?
I felt the relationship was worth trying to save. And I wondered how she could be so incredibly unhappy inside for three months, yet have acted so very happy on the outside.
The conversation was difficult. She was evasive, cold, and unemotional. No matter what I said, she seemed completely unable to empathize with me, she was unwilling to consider alternate viewpoints, she was unapologetic, and she didn’t seem to care in the least. How could she possibly hope to maintain a friendship with me if she’s so unwilling to communicate or empathize?
With great effort I was finally able to get her to admit that the reasons she had stated for dumping me was crock of lies – the real truth was that she had found a new man, who she had not only started dating, but was already having sex with. She had to get rid of me to make room for him. In short, even though she had only known this man for three weeks, she was choosing him over me and that was that. She couldn’t give a shit about how I felt, couldn’t be bothered to see my perspective, and she even bragged about how “Once I make a decision I stick to it”. Since when did it become a desirable characteristic to be closed-minded and pig-headed?
What a lying bitch! She was planning on keeping her relationship with her new man secret from me in order to benefit from my friendship!
I told her that I was finished with her, and that I wanted no contact, no conversation, no friendship with her ever. I demanded a complete split from her on a permanent basis. My thinking was that I could never trust someone like her again, and only by severing all ties could I be safe from falling victim to her lies again.
Even with the anger, the breakup was grueling. This girl was not just my lover; she was my best friend. Every day we would hook up, talk on the phone for hours, or go out to dinner, drinks, movies and even trips together. Suddenly, my best friend was gone, I had nothing to do, and I was suffering a terrible heartache and betrayal. I will admit that I suffered horribly. I lost track of how many nights I went without sleep. I lost track of how much my work suffered. What a crappy thing for this woman to do to me! Some friend she was.
But, the pain wasn’t over. Twenty three days passed, then my phone rang at 9:11 PM and who was calling me? It was her new boyfriend. He called to tell me that “we” just found two more of my belongings at “our” place, and he asked if I wanted “them” to box them up and send them to me. I guess he’d already moved in with her. That was quick! And he sure wanted me to know it. What an asshole.
God damn it. My heart was pounding so hard that I could barely think. HOW DARE HE CALL ME? What a crappy excuse! OF COURSE send me back my stuff!! Just like she did the other box of stuff! The only way he could have gotten my phone number was from her. So she probably asked him to call me. Why? WHY!
Then he began bragging about how he “awakened a desire with her” and “offered her something you could never give her” and how they are now such a very happy couple. I think he’s offered to marry her, and since I’m fixed, he’s likely going to have babies with her.
I was sick of this whole thing. How DARE this jerk call me? With such a lame excuse to boot! So, I decided to be completely honest with the guy. I told him about her emotional and psychological problems. I told him the whole story of what it’s like to live with her.
He kept repeating “well, you know, I’ve been around the block a few times, and I know what I’m doing” so I told him “I just wanted you to know what you’re getting into” – she’s done this to every man before me, she’s done it to me, and it’s pretty likely she’ll do it to you.
Well, he gave me the old “with ME it will be different” googly-eyed story. I know he didn’t want to hear anything I was saying, and he kept shouting “in one year I’ll call you and prove to you that you’re wrong” I said, it took me FOUR years to be betrayed, so if you’re going to call me, do it five years. By the time I was finished with this idiot, he sounded like a teenager struggling to justify his foolish life-ruining decisions. And I guarantee he’ll never call me again!
And that was it. I haven’t seen or heard from her or her boyfriend since. My heart still aches, and I still struggle, but it’s over. Thank God it’s over.
So, what happened? How did I get myself into this situation? What did I learn?
1. You’re Crazy if you have a relationship with a Crazy Person
When I met her, she was confident, happy, and fun. We had sex on the second date – I liked that. (I didn’t like that she did that with the new guy while she was still seeing me.)
For those first few weeks she was in a manic phase, and when she was manic, she was fantastic! Sadly, it doesn’t last. The fun and excitement is always followed by depression and misery. It’s a cycle. Bipolar disorder is a roller-coaster ride from hell.
I saw her mental disorders hurt people – lots of people. I saw her suffer too. I struggled to stay with her. Here’s an example: one day she’d be telling me how much she loved her two cats “They’re so important to me! I love them so much” then a week later “I hate these cats and I’m going to take them down to the animal shelter today” This is true, and it’s just one example. Somehow, though, I never thought at I would be a victim. After all, I’m special, right?
She also suffered from sociopathy. Check out the site lovefraud.com. Sociopaths have the ability to pretend to care about you as long as you satisfy their needs, then the moment they see someone else who they perceive as “better”, they’ll turn their feeling for you off like a switch. It can be devastating. People with Borderline Personality Disorder can do something called “switching”, which produces the same results – one day you’re the greatest love and hero in their world, and the next day you’re worse that something they’d wipe off their shoe.
Bottom Line: You will be a victim. It’s just a matter of time.
2. Don’t Expect a Return on Your Investment
I really enjoyed her first manic phase. But it was followed by a lengthy and deep depression. I really struggled to stay with her. She’d spend day after day hiding in her house wrapped up in a blanket. She’d pick at her face until it bled. She’d get so agoraphobic that she’d refuse to go to the supermarket to get food.
I worked with her. I supported her. I loved her.
Her depression medicine prevented her from having orgasms, and I supported her as she tried various other treatment regimens including amino acids, sunlamps, exercise, etc.
She dressed terribly, belonged to a bizarre cult, and never went anywhere. As time progressed she improved, she dressed better, she became more fun, more outgoing. She often thanked me for helping her crawl out of her shell. Toward the end we were relaxed, happy, and things were sweet between us.
I feel like the guy who works two jobs for eight years to put his girlfriend through medical school then the moment she graduates she leaves him.
So here I am, the sucker who poured four years of my life into an unappreciative woman and just when she’s really starting to be fun, beautiful, sexy and desirable, she dumps me and some other guy gets to enjoy her – a guy she’s only known for three weeks.
I didn’t think of it this way at the time, but I was expecting her to treat me as kindly as I treated her.
Bottom Line: Don’t expect any return on your investment. Don’t expect to enjoy her, and don’t expect to be treated in kind. If you do something for somebody, do it altruistically. Right now some other guy who did no work is reaping all the benefits of all of my work.
3. Many Women Can’t Communicate what they Want
Two months before the breakup I was faced with an opportunity to divide a property that I co-own with my ex-wife. I realized that I could split the double-lot, build a house on the second lot, and make a cool half-million dollars in the process. When my apartment rent increased by $200 a month I decided to take advantage of the opportunity, and I moved into a mother-in-law cottage on the property to oversee the work.
My therapist says that by doing this I started the breakup process. My ex saw this is as me moving “away” from a relationship with her, and “toward” reconciliation with my ex. This was not true, it was a purely financial decision.
She didn’t express this opinion. It was my job to “guess”.
Bottom Line: Find out early if you’re in a relationship with a woman where your guessing abilities are critical for the relationship’s survival. If they are, then end the relationship as early as possible. I don’t give a shit how women are socialized; I refuse to be saddled with the additional life-long responsibility of guessing what my partner wants. Say it or forget it ladies! I’d rather be alone than burn in guessing hell.
4. Some People Can’t Be Honest
She told me she broke up with me because I’m too “bohemian”. I think I know what she was talking about.
When she met “the new guy” she seemed pretty interested in him. I asked her if she was interesting in pursing a relationship with him. I said “just be honest with me and keep me in the loop.” I figured it would be better to be honest than to be cheated on, right?
She said, “I want to spend six months to get to know <him> before I make any decisions to be intimate with him – I don’t want to do anything to endanger my relationship with you.”
It was about one week after that that the two of them were fucking, not six months – so she lied to me. This is a particularly heinous lie too, because I was planning on using those six months to see what could possibly be done to improve our relationship. Maybe there was something I could do – we could to.
Secondly, and this is one of those weird “woman” things, my therapist says that she was hoping that I’d be insanely jealous, and that if I had been jealous maybe she wouldn’t have left me.
Being a woman she’s not expected to tell me that I’m supposed to be jealous, I’m supposed to guess that, remember? Plus, the fact that I am not jealous by nature worked against me. The fact that I was being honest worked against me. Everything worked against me.
All I ever asked her to do was to be honest with me. And she couldn’t even do that.
Bottom Line: Don’t expect people to be honest with you. Some people are simply incapable of it.
5. I Enjoyed Being Her Daddy
Our relationship was not normal my any measure. How can you have a normal relationship with a woman who promises to hook up with you but cancels 50% of the time because of mood swings? How can you have a normal relationship with a woman who will disappear for weeks at a time because of depression? A woman who can’t have orgasms? A woman who can’t go out because she’s so stoned on prescription drugs that she can’t move her legs?
Yes, I was her lover. Yes, we were best friends. But, I was also a father figure in her life. And, although I didn’t realize it, I enjoyed being the smart, reliable, giving, nurturing “boss” in that relationship.
Bottom Line: If you’re a caretaker, realize it. Your progeny can ditch you anytime; so don’t get too attached to your heroic role. Having it terminated like mine was really hurt.
6. Honest, Unconditional, Non-Possessive Love Can Bite You in the Ass
Ever hear of unconditional love? I work to love everyone and everything in my life in this way: unconditional, honest, open, accepting love. Love without grabbing, without owning, without expectations. I loved her and accepted her for who she was, not who I wished she was, or what I hoped to mold her into. Love with liberty and freedom for all involved. In my opinion this is True Love.
Rarely do I receive love of the same kind in return. Some seem devoted to possess and control. Some wish to be possessed and controlled. Some seem to enjoy the primordial drama of jealousy. Some become convinced that a statement of commitment -- which is a promise for a future that no one can control, somehow trumps a joyful now.
Bottom Line: Yes, it can really hurt to love with an open hand, especially when that love is not appreciated, or worse when it's returned with dishonesty and betrayal. However, the intensity, joy, and freedom of altruistic love is well worth the pain. I think I'll keep loving with my hands wide open.
7. I Cared A Lot More than I Thought I Did
The biggest comment I got from my family was “I’m really surprised you’re so broken up about this woman – she was such a loser.”
Yes, she was very difficult. But I thought I’d put plenty of distance in the relationship. I refused to move in with her. I refused to let her call me her “boyfriend”. I tried hard not to see her every day.
No matter how hard I tried, I did fall in love with her. As my therapist says “Despite the millions of red flags that were waving in front of my face.”
Bottom Line: Don’t fall let yourself fall in love when that's not what you want. It can happen slowly, despite your clever precautions.
Now she’s gone. Enough time has passed that I can remember the difficulty, and I feel enough pain that I no longer love her. I still have moments when she flashing into my mind. I am not proud that I hate her at times, and I wish that she suffer just as she’s made me suffer.
Someday maybe I’ll forgive her. I’d like that. But not today.
Maybe she’s already married. Maybe she’s already pregnant. Her new boyfriend/husband is in for some real surprises! And thanks to her betrayal and dishonesty the guy who knows her best and has been her best supporter (me) is now gone from her life forever. Good luck, bitch.
They’re both sure to reap what they sewed. And, if there is a God, karma will be a real bitch for the both of them.
So that’s my tragic story of betrayal, lies, and heartache. I hope that you can benefit from my pain, and avoid some suffering in your own life.
My advice:
1. Do an Intellius check on any person you plan on having a relationship with.
2. Even if they’re just going to be a girlfriend/boyfriend, have at least three “pre-marital counseling sessions” with a MFT before you allow yourself to fall in love, cohabitate, or make any kind of commitment to anyone.
3. Don’t “be your best” when you’re around her. Don’t dress better than you normally do, don’t spend more than you normally would. If you fart and eat 99¢ cheeseburgers, then you should fart and eat 99¢ cheeseburgers around her. Life is too short to pretend to be something you’re not. And besides, you’ll eventually have to revert to who you really are, and that’s a terrible surprise to spring on somebody!
4. Spell out your arrangement verbally – it’s only a commitment if it’s explicit and mutual. Repeat this process periodically (at least once a year). Don’t assume – “Well, we’ve been going out for two years now, so he’s probably monogamous with me, and I expect him to pop the question any time now.” Bullshit! Say it! Spell it out!
5. If she’s hurt/ruined/destroyed other partners, you are next. No, sorry -- you’re not special. You have no special “love mojo” that will somehow protect you. People don’t change – honest.
6. Friends (even “friends with benefits”) are must more important, reliable, loving and caring for you than Lovers/Boyfriends/Girlfriends/Fiancés/Husbands/Wives. A lover can turn on you in 5.2 seconds, become your enemy, destroy your heart, ruin your life, and take half of your life’s fortune. Remember this, and treat your friends with the love, generosity, and support befitting their real life value to you. And, inversely, don’t give your lover that much importance/power in your life – remember, they can turn on you in a way a friend would never do.
7. If you’re not happy, tell her. If she doesn’t seem happy, ask her why. If either of you aren’t happy, try to fix it. If a reasonable amount of honesty and fixing doesn’t work then END IT. Relationships DO NOT require hard work and compromise – that is a LIE. Don’t hang on to something bad just because it’s familiar and comfortable.
8. Learn to be happy and completely fulfilled by yourself – without a relationship. View romantic relationships as being completely optional.
9. Always have an escape plan at the ready. Have enough money to move out in a special account or in a safety deposit box that only you can access.
10. In the name of all that is holy, DO NOT try to force an improvement in a relationship by making an increasing string of commitments with each other. If things are bad, don’t try to fix them by getting married. If your marriage is weak, don’t try to strengthen it by having kids. Adding more kids doesn’t help either. The moment you have a baby you stop being lovers and you both turn into parents. It’s a hole new ballpark and it’s irreversible.
Two months ago I was dumped by a woman I was with for four years. It was a complete surprise; she never once complained about the relationship, or asked for anything different. We got along very well, we never argued, and we laughed and had fun nearly ever day. There was no way for me to know that anything was wrong – all I got was a surprise unilateral dumping.
The reason she stated for dumping me was that she wanted a man who was more “jealous” and that I was too “bohemian” for her. Huh? After four years she just suddenly noticed that I’m not jealous?
And, to top it all off, she announced that she’s been unhappy for three months and only realize it that week, and she felt “relief” to be dumping me, and she NEVER wanted to have a romantic relationship with me again, but wanted all the benefits of our friendship to continue without interruption.
She had been so warm and loving for four years. She always seemed so appreciative of me, and the time I spent with her. What made the breakup so very hard was that she was as cold as ice. She dumped me with all of the kindness, warmth and empathy of a prosecuting attorney.
None of it made sense to me. My heart was shattered. My mind was spinning trying to make some sense out of it.
Just a few hours after the breakup, I offered to return the copies of her house keys, car keys, and garage-door opener that she had given me years ago. She was completely unfazed – as if nothing had happened. In fact, she said “I didn’t ask for these back, but I’ll take them, I guess.” What, did she think I wanted to open her condo up to find her having sex with some new guy? What the hell was she thinking?
It was this “unfeeling” behavior that clued me in that something might be wrong. It was as if I dealing a different woman. As recently as a few days before the breakup she seemed happy and very much in love. Yet now she was cold, emotionless, and seemingly incapable of any kind empathy.
Now, keep in mind, this woman was no picnic to be with. She suffered from a sordid soup of psychological conditions including bipolar disorder (which she was being treated for), and I suspect sociopathy and borderline personality disorder (which went untreated). Just to give you some idea of how sick, in the four years I knew her she had taken five months leave from work due to extreme depression and committed herself to a hospital program. This girl was not normal and I knew it. It was often a struggle for me to maintain any kind of relationship with her.
I did not hear from her until five days later when I received an email from her asking if “I was okay”. This email lead to me sending her more emails – some of which were quite angry -- and finally I called her that night to express my feelings.
I asked her this question that was tearing me up inside:
Why didn’t you communicate your dissatisfaction with the relationship, and why won’t you give me an opportunity to work with you to improve it, rather than kill it off unilaterally and permanently?
I felt the relationship was worth trying to save. And I wondered how she could be so incredibly unhappy inside for three months, yet have acted so very happy on the outside.
The conversation was difficult. She was evasive, cold, and unemotional. No matter what I said, she seemed completely unable to empathize with me, she was unwilling to consider alternate viewpoints, she was unapologetic, and she didn’t seem to care in the least. How could she possibly hope to maintain a friendship with me if she’s so unwilling to communicate or empathize?
With great effort I was finally able to get her to admit that the reasons she had stated for dumping me was crock of lies – the real truth was that she had found a new man, who she had not only started dating, but was already having sex with. She had to get rid of me to make room for him. In short, even though she had only known this man for three weeks, she was choosing him over me and that was that. She couldn’t give a shit about how I felt, couldn’t be bothered to see my perspective, and she even bragged about how “Once I make a decision I stick to it”. Since when did it become a desirable characteristic to be closed-minded and pig-headed?
What a lying bitch! She was planning on keeping her relationship with her new man secret from me in order to benefit from my friendship!
I told her that I was finished with her, and that I wanted no contact, no conversation, no friendship with her ever. I demanded a complete split from her on a permanent basis. My thinking was that I could never trust someone like her again, and only by severing all ties could I be safe from falling victim to her lies again.
Even with the anger, the breakup was grueling. This girl was not just my lover; she was my best friend. Every day we would hook up, talk on the phone for hours, or go out to dinner, drinks, movies and even trips together. Suddenly, my best friend was gone, I had nothing to do, and I was suffering a terrible heartache and betrayal. I will admit that I suffered horribly. I lost track of how many nights I went without sleep. I lost track of how much my work suffered. What a crappy thing for this woman to do to me! Some friend she was.
But, the pain wasn’t over. Twenty three days passed, then my phone rang at 9:11 PM and who was calling me? It was her new boyfriend. He called to tell me that “we” just found two more of my belongings at “our” place, and he asked if I wanted “them” to box them up and send them to me. I guess he’d already moved in with her. That was quick! And he sure wanted me to know it. What an asshole.
God damn it. My heart was pounding so hard that I could barely think. HOW DARE HE CALL ME? What a crappy excuse! OF COURSE send me back my stuff!! Just like she did the other box of stuff! The only way he could have gotten my phone number was from her. So she probably asked him to call me. Why? WHY!
Then he began bragging about how he “awakened a desire with her” and “offered her something you could never give her” and how they are now such a very happy couple. I think he’s offered to marry her, and since I’m fixed, he’s likely going to have babies with her.
I was sick of this whole thing. How DARE this jerk call me? With such a lame excuse to boot! So, I decided to be completely honest with the guy. I told him about her emotional and psychological problems. I told him the whole story of what it’s like to live with her.
He kept repeating “well, you know, I’ve been around the block a few times, and I know what I’m doing” so I told him “I just wanted you to know what you’re getting into” – she’s done this to every man before me, she’s done it to me, and it’s pretty likely she’ll do it to you.
Well, he gave me the old “with ME it will be different” googly-eyed story. I know he didn’t want to hear anything I was saying, and he kept shouting “in one year I’ll call you and prove to you that you’re wrong” I said, it took me FOUR years to be betrayed, so if you’re going to call me, do it five years. By the time I was finished with this idiot, he sounded like a teenager struggling to justify his foolish life-ruining decisions. And I guarantee he’ll never call me again!
And that was it. I haven’t seen or heard from her or her boyfriend since. My heart still aches, and I still struggle, but it’s over. Thank God it’s over.
So, what happened? How did I get myself into this situation? What did I learn?
1. You’re Crazy if you have a relationship with a Crazy Person
When I met her, she was confident, happy, and fun. We had sex on the second date – I liked that. (I didn’t like that she did that with the new guy while she was still seeing me.)
For those first few weeks she was in a manic phase, and when she was manic, she was fantastic! Sadly, it doesn’t last. The fun and excitement is always followed by depression and misery. It’s a cycle. Bipolar disorder is a roller-coaster ride from hell.
I saw her mental disorders hurt people – lots of people. I saw her suffer too. I struggled to stay with her. Here’s an example: one day she’d be telling me how much she loved her two cats “They’re so important to me! I love them so much” then a week later “I hate these cats and I’m going to take them down to the animal shelter today” This is true, and it’s just one example. Somehow, though, I never thought at I would be a victim. After all, I’m special, right?
She also suffered from sociopathy. Check out the site lovefraud.com. Sociopaths have the ability to pretend to care about you as long as you satisfy their needs, then the moment they see someone else who they perceive as “better”, they’ll turn their feeling for you off like a switch. It can be devastating. People with Borderline Personality Disorder can do something called “switching”, which produces the same results – one day you’re the greatest love and hero in their world, and the next day you’re worse that something they’d wipe off their shoe.
Bottom Line: You will be a victim. It’s just a matter of time.
2. Don’t Expect a Return on Your Investment
I really enjoyed her first manic phase. But it was followed by a lengthy and deep depression. I really struggled to stay with her. She’d spend day after day hiding in her house wrapped up in a blanket. She’d pick at her face until it bled. She’d get so agoraphobic that she’d refuse to go to the supermarket to get food.
I worked with her. I supported her. I loved her.
Her depression medicine prevented her from having orgasms, and I supported her as she tried various other treatment regimens including amino acids, sunlamps, exercise, etc.
She dressed terribly, belonged to a bizarre cult, and never went anywhere. As time progressed she improved, she dressed better, she became more fun, more outgoing. She often thanked me for helping her crawl out of her shell. Toward the end we were relaxed, happy, and things were sweet between us.
I feel like the guy who works two jobs for eight years to put his girlfriend through medical school then the moment she graduates she leaves him.
So here I am, the sucker who poured four years of my life into an unappreciative woman and just when she’s really starting to be fun, beautiful, sexy and desirable, she dumps me and some other guy gets to enjoy her – a guy she’s only known for three weeks.
I didn’t think of it this way at the time, but I was expecting her to treat me as kindly as I treated her.
Bottom Line: Don’t expect any return on your investment. Don’t expect to enjoy her, and don’t expect to be treated in kind. If you do something for somebody, do it altruistically. Right now some other guy who did no work is reaping all the benefits of all of my work.
3. Many Women Can’t Communicate what they Want
Two months before the breakup I was faced with an opportunity to divide a property that I co-own with my ex-wife. I realized that I could split the double-lot, build a house on the second lot, and make a cool half-million dollars in the process. When my apartment rent increased by $200 a month I decided to take advantage of the opportunity, and I moved into a mother-in-law cottage on the property to oversee the work.
My therapist says that by doing this I started the breakup process. My ex saw this is as me moving “away” from a relationship with her, and “toward” reconciliation with my ex. This was not true, it was a purely financial decision.
She didn’t express this opinion. It was my job to “guess”.
Bottom Line: Find out early if you’re in a relationship with a woman where your guessing abilities are critical for the relationship’s survival. If they are, then end the relationship as early as possible. I don’t give a shit how women are socialized; I refuse to be saddled with the additional life-long responsibility of guessing what my partner wants. Say it or forget it ladies! I’d rather be alone than burn in guessing hell.
4. Some People Can’t Be Honest
She told me she broke up with me because I’m too “bohemian”. I think I know what she was talking about.
When she met “the new guy” she seemed pretty interested in him. I asked her if she was interesting in pursing a relationship with him. I said “just be honest with me and keep me in the loop.” I figured it would be better to be honest than to be cheated on, right?
She said, “I want to spend six months to get to know <him> before I make any decisions to be intimate with him – I don’t want to do anything to endanger my relationship with you.”
It was about one week after that that the two of them were fucking, not six months – so she lied to me. This is a particularly heinous lie too, because I was planning on using those six months to see what could possibly be done to improve our relationship. Maybe there was something I could do – we could to.
Secondly, and this is one of those weird “woman” things, my therapist says that she was hoping that I’d be insanely jealous, and that if I had been jealous maybe she wouldn’t have left me.
Being a woman she’s not expected to tell me that I’m supposed to be jealous, I’m supposed to guess that, remember? Plus, the fact that I am not jealous by nature worked against me. The fact that I was being honest worked against me. Everything worked against me.
All I ever asked her to do was to be honest with me. And she couldn’t even do that.
Bottom Line: Don’t expect people to be honest with you. Some people are simply incapable of it.
5. I Enjoyed Being Her Daddy
Our relationship was not normal my any measure. How can you have a normal relationship with a woman who promises to hook up with you but cancels 50% of the time because of mood swings? How can you have a normal relationship with a woman who will disappear for weeks at a time because of depression? A woman who can’t have orgasms? A woman who can’t go out because she’s so stoned on prescription drugs that she can’t move her legs?
Yes, I was her lover. Yes, we were best friends. But, I was also a father figure in her life. And, although I didn’t realize it, I enjoyed being the smart, reliable, giving, nurturing “boss” in that relationship.
Bottom Line: If you’re a caretaker, realize it. Your progeny can ditch you anytime; so don’t get too attached to your heroic role. Having it terminated like mine was really hurt.
6. Honest, Unconditional, Non-Possessive Love Can Bite You in the Ass
Ever hear of unconditional love? I work to love everyone and everything in my life in this way: unconditional, honest, open, accepting love. Love without grabbing, without owning, without expectations. I loved her and accepted her for who she was, not who I wished she was, or what I hoped to mold her into. Love with liberty and freedom for all involved. In my opinion this is True Love.
Rarely do I receive love of the same kind in return. Some seem devoted to possess and control. Some wish to be possessed and controlled. Some seem to enjoy the primordial drama of jealousy. Some become convinced that a statement of commitment -- which is a promise for a future that no one can control, somehow trumps a joyful now.
Bottom Line: Yes, it can really hurt to love with an open hand, especially when that love is not appreciated, or worse when it's returned with dishonesty and betrayal. However, the intensity, joy, and freedom of altruistic love is well worth the pain. I think I'll keep loving with my hands wide open.
7. I Cared A Lot More than I Thought I Did
The biggest comment I got from my family was “I’m really surprised you’re so broken up about this woman – she was such a loser.”
Yes, she was very difficult. But I thought I’d put plenty of distance in the relationship. I refused to move in with her. I refused to let her call me her “boyfriend”. I tried hard not to see her every day.
No matter how hard I tried, I did fall in love with her. As my therapist says “Despite the millions of red flags that were waving in front of my face.”
Bottom Line: Don’t fall let yourself fall in love when that's not what you want. It can happen slowly, despite your clever precautions.
Now she’s gone. Enough time has passed that I can remember the difficulty, and I feel enough pain that I no longer love her. I still have moments when she flashing into my mind. I am not proud that I hate her at times, and I wish that she suffer just as she’s made me suffer.
Someday maybe I’ll forgive her. I’d like that. But not today.
Maybe she’s already married. Maybe she’s already pregnant. Her new boyfriend/husband is in for some real surprises! And thanks to her betrayal and dishonesty the guy who knows her best and has been her best supporter (me) is now gone from her life forever. Good luck, bitch.
They’re both sure to reap what they sewed. And, if there is a God, karma will be a real bitch for the both of them.
So that’s my tragic story of betrayal, lies, and heartache. I hope that you can benefit from my pain, and avoid some suffering in your own life.
My advice:
1. Do an Intellius check on any person you plan on having a relationship with.
2. Even if they’re just going to be a girlfriend/boyfriend, have at least three “pre-marital counseling sessions” with a MFT before you allow yourself to fall in love, cohabitate, or make any kind of commitment to anyone.
3. Don’t “be your best” when you’re around her. Don’t dress better than you normally do, don’t spend more than you normally would. If you fart and eat 99¢ cheeseburgers, then you should fart and eat 99¢ cheeseburgers around her. Life is too short to pretend to be something you’re not. And besides, you’ll eventually have to revert to who you really are, and that’s a terrible surprise to spring on somebody!
4. Spell out your arrangement verbally – it’s only a commitment if it’s explicit and mutual. Repeat this process periodically (at least once a year). Don’t assume – “Well, we’ve been going out for two years now, so he’s probably monogamous with me, and I expect him to pop the question any time now.” Bullshit! Say it! Spell it out!
5. If she’s hurt/ruined/destroyed other partners, you are next. No, sorry -- you’re not special. You have no special “love mojo” that will somehow protect you. People don’t change – honest.
6. Friends (even “friends with benefits”) are must more important, reliable, loving and caring for you than Lovers/Boyfriends/Girlfriends/Fiancés/Husbands/Wives. A lover can turn on you in 5.2 seconds, become your enemy, destroy your heart, ruin your life, and take half of your life’s fortune. Remember this, and treat your friends with the love, generosity, and support befitting their real life value to you. And, inversely, don’t give your lover that much importance/power in your life – remember, they can turn on you in a way a friend would never do.
7. If you’re not happy, tell her. If she doesn’t seem happy, ask her why. If either of you aren’t happy, try to fix it. If a reasonable amount of honesty and fixing doesn’t work then END IT. Relationships DO NOT require hard work and compromise – that is a LIE. Don’t hang on to something bad just because it’s familiar and comfortable.
8. Learn to be happy and completely fulfilled by yourself – without a relationship. View romantic relationships as being completely optional.
9. Always have an escape plan at the ready. Have enough money to move out in a special account or in a safety deposit box that only you can access.
10. In the name of all that is holy, DO NOT try to force an improvement in a relationship by making an increasing string of commitments with each other. If things are bad, don’t try to fix them by getting married. If your marriage is weak, don’t try to strengthen it by having kids. Adding more kids doesn’t help either. The moment you have a baby you stop being lovers and you both turn into parents. It’s a hole new ballpark and it’s irreversible.
